Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.
Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons
In the beginning, you came as a faint echo from far away. You flew in on a gentle breeze that awakened fierce longings lain dormant for a long time.
You glanced at me. I was ruffled but maintained a coy distance. A mysterious dance of fluttering, hopping, swooping and display. You beckoned me to fly with you. And, in a joyously reckless moment, I launched into the unknown, abandoning myself to the call of the wild.
We soared together on sweet-smelling updrafts of delight, giggling and breathless like children, then free-falling in ecstasy. Finally at home in our very own lush Garden of Eden. For a while, we nested in this intoxicating, dense greenery, shaded from bright sunlight and harsh elements.
But the pull of gravity was always there, reminding us that this garden was forbidden to all but the Gods, and that the abyss was never too far away. What had looked like a double helix of joyful soaring now resembled a dogfight between predator and prey. I chased you in angry despair, you evaded me in painful confusion and shame.
And then you were gone. Where were you?
I saw you reappear and then disappear again through the clouds in the horizon, but I did not follow because somehow I knew I had to let you go. Rich, vibrant color and beauty faded to monochrome gray. Gravity slowed me down to small, heavy steps that sometimes took such effort that I had to curl up in hibernating sleep. Where was I going? I didn’t know. The sky felt vast and I felt so small and lacking in direction. Relentless showers beat down on me and washed layers of grime and grit.
One day I woke up to the pastel light of exhausted peace. You were a faint echo once more. A freshly-scented draft caressed my face and I drew a deep breath that filled my body with clean air. I spread my wings carefully and found myself lifted into the blue void.
In this new place, I noticed sweet, subtle smells, my eyes caught tiny brilliant flowers nestled in the cracks of the open landscape below me. The wind lifted me lovingly, as if to remind me that it had been there all along to carry me. I twirled and danced for the simple joy of it. This Big Unknown had a presence in it I had not felt before. Your absence no longer felt like a gaping void in my heart, just a soft, beautiful sadness. Moments of gratitude trickled into my heart – you left me so I could feel the Big Love that exists in the simple sacred fact of just Being. I knew that I had done the right thing to let you go. Love did not have to be chased. It had never left me.
This is a very personal piece I wrote last year which, only now, did I feel had reached its time to be published. I hope this speaks to those of you whose soul journey has traveled through the cracking open through heart break to reveal another world.
SOUL SEED COLLECTIVE is a (hopefully) monthly blog on thoughts and ideas
Titina van Hoorn is an artist, jeweler, life coach, energy healing practitioner, lover of words, dancer, mother and soul-seeker, who feels passionate about exploring the journey of the soul with all of its twists, turns and mysteries and supporting others who have chosen this rich path. She can be reached at email@example.com or in Facebook on her Soul Piece Jewelry page.
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