“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
― Woody Allen
“Very few beings really seek knowledge in this world. Mortal or immortal, few really ask. On the contrary, they try to wring from the unknown the answers they have already shaped in their own minds — justifications, confirmations, forms of consolation without which they can’t go on. To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the questioner.”
― Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat
Who knows? Who really knows what will happen next? My mind has convinced itself it knows, has created a mini-series of scenarios, all of which I need to prepare for and protect myself from (and which have never really happened as scripted).
Who knows? I wake up in the morning, full of nameless anxiety, with a sense of impending doom and yet have never bothered to question the source of it.
Who knows? No, I was never given the Manual to Life. Nor has anyone else, no matter how convincing their outward stance on it may be.
Who knows? This pain and grieving may tell me that hiding in my safe, dark cave at home is the only option, but who knows how I will feel, who I will meet, what heart connection I may have if I show up in the world. I don’t even know which part of me will show up from moment to moment.
Who knows? I have spent so much time caring about how I looked, sounded and appeared to the outside world but who knows how I was really perceived. Did I fool people? Did my petty human moments leak through anyway?
Who knows? What a relief to let go and jump into the flow of the river (that was going in the same direction anyway, whether I thought I could control, channel and divert its flow, or swim against it into utter exhaustion). My particular rivulet will gracefully find the path of least resistance (or so I have been told) if allowed to follow the natural geography of my soul.
Who knows? Of course, there’s the Big Doozy: how long am I going to be alive on this earthly plane anyway? In some ways I act as if I will have this particular lifetime and this healthy physical body forever, living on emotional hold for when I will truly start to LIVE.
What do I really know?
From present moment to present moment I appear to be safe. As trite as it may sound (I’m still somewhat allergic to those “gratitude lists”), I have all the basics of food, shelter, love and many bonuses on top of that.
My body relaxes a little when it entertains, even for a tiny moment, the idea that much of what I fear and stress about is NOT happening right now and there just might be a much greater solution that definitely cannot be figured out at this moment by my sniveling, petty, obsessive mind.
I do not have to have “things figured out” to jump into interacting and living in this world. There is no shame in making mistakes. And, there is no shame in having shame about making mistakes…
Life is messy, uncertain, juicy, painful, joyful, unexpected, magical and multi-faceted. What I know may not be what you know. What I think I know about you is based on projections of who I am, and the special blend of experiences and moments that I bring to my life at that instance.
In this journey of uncertainty I feel like my kids in the back seat of a car on a long road trip:
“Are we there yet?”
“How much longer do we have?”
“I’m bored, hungry, tired of this.”
“I want to get off this ride for a while.”
“Hey, mom! He moved onto my side and is taking up most of the back seat.”/ “No, I didn’t!”/ “Yes, you did!”
There is a restlessness I feel in this place of uncertainty. Especially now, as spring is finally emerging in the area where I live after a VERY long winter (figuratively and metaphorically). There is a powerful energy of potential that has been latent and germinating in this dark soil of uncertainty, covered by layers of snow and ice. The form is yet uncertain and my mind WANTS TO KNOW. Like a bored 10 year old in the classroom, it will find ways to occupy itself in the absence of clear instructions, and those ways are not always constructive.
Yet, perhaps, this phrase “Who Knows?” could be used as a thought-provoking mantra, a seed that, when planted in the context of humility and curiosity, can be used as an intermittent check point when the spooked wild horses of my mind threaten to run amok.
Most of the time I don’t know. Let the magic and mystery begin…
To seeing your life as a precious and unfolding mysterious journey.
P.S. In case I haven’t shared this with you before, this has been an extremely helpful read for me on this subject:
Comfortable With Uncertainty by Pema Chödrön
STAY TUNED FOR A NEW “SEED OF POTENTIAL” WORKSHOP
I will continue to offer “Seed of Potential” workshops throughout the year.
What are those seeds you want to plant, nourish and grow? This workshop, held in a safe, small group-setting, will take you through a fun process of discovery so that you may design and craft your own unique “Soul Piece” of jewelry in fine silver to wear as a talisman and reminder of your intentions or dreams.
For more information on existing workshops or to book your own customized event, contact me at: titina@soulpiecejewelry.com or call 208-946-7495
SOUL SEED COLLECTIVE is a monthly blog on thoughts and ideas by Titina van Hoorn from 
Titina van Hoorn is an artist, jeweler, life coach, dancer, mother and soul-seeker, who feels passionate about exploring the journey of the soul with all of its twists, turns and mysteries and supporting others who have chosen this rich path.
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