2019 – A New Year’s Un-resolution

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I have let go of the need to know so much. What we can know is so small – the holiness around is so large. Now I trust in simplicity, simplicity and love.

~ Anaïs Nin

It has been a while since I have posted in this blog. Some of the reasons have been due to perfectionism and self-judgment gaining the upper hand, biting me in the a$$ before I could even start to write. Some, a reconfiguring of Self, propagated in no small measure, I’m sure, by what I suspect are the emotional symptoms of perimenopause and was therefore not quite sure what I wanted to express (grist for a whole other post).

In any case, I still like the feeling of a New Year as a fresh, blank page – a do-over of sorts.

Funny how quickly we forget…I thought I was coming up with an original New Year’s theme – “New Year’s Un-resolutions”, the opposite of having clear plans and visions for the New Year. So I peruse my old posts and see titles like, “Who Knows? – Some Random Thoughts on Uncertainty”, “A New Take on New Beginnings,” – hmm…

Maybe, the New Year highlights the coming-back-for-another-round of the same old issue. This year, it started with a deep, personal relationship loss that punched me in the gut and left me handicapped in my ability to grasp for externals as my props for fulfillment. I was forced to let go of dreams, of the direction I thought my life was going in and step into the unknown. Serendipitously, the Anaïs Nin quote above surfaced from my iPhone photos and I felt a strange and subtle sense of relief. Followed by waves of more ugly, snotty grief, despair and fear of letting go.

So it looks like this is my year of shedding, subtracting from the masterpiece, à la Michelangelo, to reveal what has been there all along, buried by old wounds, unmet needs, fears of stepping into my power and becoming visible. I have rebelled in the past against New Age platitudes of Surrendering, Being Grateful (ugh!), Letting Go of What No Longer Serves,  but a part of me is starting to viscerally understand the need to challenge what the ego thinks it knows (based on a series of past experiences, that get processed through inaccurate filters to become faulty, self-evident truths).

Do I love it? NO!

Am I full of blissful trust for the future? I wish!

Do I even feel like I have a choice? No, but I am done with trying to figure things out – staying the course of “not knowing” allows me to loosen my grasping claws and maybe give the world around me a chance to breathe and make room for what lovely thing really wants to grow. Do I want to grow a clipped bonsai tree or a beautiful, wild and sprawling Tree of Life?

It is my heartfelt wish that the heartbreaks, disappointments and detours of our lives serve to crack open the essential seeds of potential that we are, and allow them unfettered, organic growth into something more beautiful that we could have imagined.

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SOUL SEED COLLECTIVE is a (hopefully) monthly blog on thoughts and ideas

by Titina van Hoorn from  spj logodark silver nuff sm

Titina van Hoorn is an artist, jeweler, life coach, energy healing practitioner, lover of words, dancer, mother and soul-seeker, who feels passionate about exploring the journey of the soul with all of its twists, turns and mysteries and supporting others who have chosen this rich path.

For more information on Soul Piece Jewelry go to www.soulpiecejewelry.com

or visit the Soul Piece Jewelry page on

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Who knows? – Some random thoughts on uncertainty.

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“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”
Woody Allen

 

“Very few beings really seek knowledge in this world. Mortal or immortal, few really ask. On the contrary, they try to wring from the unknown the answers they have already shaped in their own minds — justifications, confirmations, forms of consolation without which they can’t go on. To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the questioner.”
Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat

 

Who knows?  Who really knows what will happen next? My mind has convinced itself it knows, has created a mini-series of scenarios, all of which I need to prepare for and protect myself from (and which have never really happened as scripted).

Who knows?  I wake up in the morning, full of nameless anxiety, with a sense of impending doom and yet have never bothered to question the source of it.

Who knows?  No, I was never given the Manual to Life. Nor has anyone else, no matter how convincing their outward stance on it may be.

Who knows?  This pain and grieving may tell me that hiding in my safe, dark cave at home is the only option, but who knows how I will feel, who I will meet, what heart connection I may have if I show up in the world. I don’t even know which part of me will show up from moment to moment. Continue reading

A New Take on New Beginnings

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At the beginning of every year I make it an important part of my New Year’s ritual to set aside time to allow my visions and goals to come through for the coming year. This year has been different – in fact, the whole of last year turned my personal life paradigm upside down. It began in January of last year when I revved myself up in typical Titina fashion to inspire and fuel myself with THE NEXT GRAND VISION. And it crashed and burned before it even got off the ground. Not that it wasn’t a feasible or worthy cause. Just that my inner motivation changed. Maybe it’s because I’m approaching 50 this year and the hot fires of my younger years are not as sustainable as they were (well, the recovery time seems to take a lot longer – like recovering from a hangover).

It was a very tough year. I let go of what I thought motivated me – pursuing the creative dream, the next shiny object, the next dopamine-inducing endeavor, I either lost interest quickly, failed to have the enormous energy I’d used in the past to get it off the ground (a lot of “pushing” energy), or it was “taken away” from me. The biggest of all of these was the slow and apparent deterioration of one of the most significant and passionate intimate relationships that I have had in my life with someone I considered to be my soul mate and who I felt would be my last love relationship in this lifetime (the love never deteriorated, just the fantasies and form of expectations I had built around it). Continue reading