At the beginning of every year I make it an important part of my New Year’s ritual to set aside time to allow my visions and goals to come through for the coming year. This year has been different – in fact, the whole of last year turned my personal life paradigm upside down. It began in January of last year when I revved myself up in typical Titina fashion to inspire and fuel myself with THE NEXT GRAND VISION. And it crashed and burned before it even got off the ground. Not that it wasn’t a feasible or worthy cause. Just that my inner motivation changed. Maybe it’s because I’m approaching 50 this year and the hot fires of my younger years are not as sustainable as they were (well, the recovery time seems to take a lot longer – like recovering from a hangover).
It was a very tough year. I let go of what I thought motivated me – pursuing the creative dream, the next shiny object, the next dopamine-inducing endeavor, I either lost interest quickly, failed to have the enormous energy I’d used in the past to get it off the ground (a lot of “pushing” energy), or it was “taken away” from me. The biggest of all of these was the slow and apparent deterioration of one of the most significant and passionate intimate relationships that I have had in my life with someone I considered to be my soul mate and who I felt would be my last love relationship in this lifetime (the love never deteriorated, just the fantasies and form of expectations I had built around it). That experience on its own has been enough to knock the wind out of my sails. It is possible that the wind was of the unsustainable “hot air” variety. Again, I was looking outside of myself for love, inspiration and sustenance. (I highly recommend the book “An Uncommon Bond”, by Jeff Brown for some beautiful ideas on the rich mystery and not-for-the-faint-hearted-journey of finding your soul mate).
It is true that I have usually motivated myself with strong gusts of dynamic, heady inspiration. Which stop suddenly and leave me disoriented and in a state of depressed confusion, angry about being “let down” or disillusioned about the idea of having dreams. And yet, a new, precious nuance of an idea seems to be making itself felt. I am too tired to push again. Too heartbroken. Maybe it is time to allow myself to be carried by the gentle trade winds of my soul. A constant and loving energy that is present every day if I slow down enough to listen to it. It is a new way of navigating life. I know this is not a new idea but it feels new to me in this state of being “beaten into surrender”. “But you have to fight for what you want!”, say the old voices. “How weak and passive to allow things to happen”.
I DON’T CARE – now THERE’S a new perspective on that word. CARE – Controlling All Reality Expectations. (Ha, ha! As I wrote that last line I “cared” about it sounding too “cutesy” – oh well…) “Care” is so often for me a form of disguised worrying and trying to control the outcome of my desires in life, or what others think of me.
There’s a new fuel to my life: BIG LOVE. As in:
Expansion, Inclusiveness, Things happening in their own time and out of their own free will, Trust in something larger and more beautiful than my mental calculations can conceive.
This may be why intuitively I have been so drawn to the idea of “seeds of potential”. The miracle of a tiny nucleus that, given the right conditions of nurturing (love?), grows in its own time – not much forcing has to happen there. We know it will grow and yet still anticipate with delight the mystery of its beautiful blooming.
And yet, let us not deny the rich compost of human pain, mess, darkness and confusion that I feel are incredibly important ingredients for the growth of this seed. My kids delight in the idea that we put “poop” in the soil to give the seeds extra nutrients. This is an idea that I feel passionate about because it strangely relates back to the idea of not-pushing. At this time in (mostly Western) consciousness when the words “manifestation”, “law of attraction”, “building your dreams”, “healing” have become trendy parts of everyday speech, it is easy to categorize experiences as “bad” or “good”. In the very human absence of being able to see the bigger spiritual picture, a lot of internal conflict and resistance (“pushing“ energy) can build up in order to counteract the experiences that feel darker, more painful or unacceptable. I KNOW this first hand! Now I see all the pain, terrible darkness, anger that I went through, as I was forced to let go, as a way of prepping my Being, to be able to make the self-empowering choice to see the soul journey I am in. I’m getting there…..
Yes!! There are times I would dearly like to be at least HALF-asleep and have a cozy and safe existence in this world, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, but I think that ultimately we all come to our perfect time of waking up to the exquisite path that is our individual soul calling.
And true to my rebellious/good girl nature, I get to make up my own rules – when to rest from the intensity of the journey, when to take a few steps back, when to tantrum, when to cry and feel the loss, when to open my heart and when to close it.
To seeing your life as a precious unfolding and mysterious journey.
STAY TUNED FOR A NEW “SEED OF POTENTIAL” WORKSHOP
In keeping with the seasons, I will be offering a new “Seed of Potential” workshop at the beginning of March.
What are those seeds you want to plant, nourish and grow? This workshop, held in a safe, small group-setting, will take you through a fun process of discovery so that you may design and craft your own unique “Soul Piece” of jewelry in fine silver to wear as a talisman and reminder of your intentions or dreams.
For more information contact me: email@example.com
SOUL SEED COLLECTIVE is a monthly blog on thoughts and ideas by Titina van Hoorn from
Titina van Hoorn is an artist, jeweler, life coach, dancer, mother and soul-seeker, who feels passionate about exploring the journey of the soul with all of its twists, turns and mysteries and supporting others who have chosen this rich path.
For more information on Soul Piece Jewelry go to www.soulpiecejewelry.com
or visit the Soul Piece Jewelry page on